If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
They did not think through this water fountain
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
sliding into dms like
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.