Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?