Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Things will get butter, keep churning
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Why you watching this shit?”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on