When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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what’s really going on
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong