i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*