My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
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Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.