Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Made something I’m not proud of
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.