*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
You Might Also Like
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Isn’t