If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?