Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“and how does that make you feel?”