Doctors texting each other.
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Found my door mat
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]