my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.