I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Monday
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.