Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?