I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?