I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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Merica.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.