The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.