me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
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“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning