Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.