Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Usage Guidelines
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Note to self: always read the final line
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.