I just ran a .003048K
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Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.