*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.