I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.