Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
You Might Also Like
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My dad is at it again