I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
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“Oh god wait.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”