One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…