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‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.