spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup