Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
October already? What’s next? November????
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath