Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
who will stop them
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy