My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.