creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.