Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.