If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Beware of the dog..
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”