I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.