I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
You Might Also Like
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.