Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel