Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
broke down and did it
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit