HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
You Might Also Like
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
tis the season