The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
You Might Also Like
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Personal question. #JustSaying
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
those birds must be on payroll
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.