Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”