Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
This is sending me to another galaxy
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Guilty! 🤪
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I love wikipedia
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy