my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
happy mother’s day❤️
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.