BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.