From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya