A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀