They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
How to properly lift a body
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys