Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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Reporter: *ports again*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE