technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.