But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You Might Also Like
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.